Desperate Diaries

“God gave men a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.” – Late Robin Williams

It’s been 4 years since I had changed my Facebook status from committed to single. I haven’t been so fortunate to change it back ever since. And believe me, all those glorifying-the-single-status ideologies seem rubbish if the wait is so long. More so, when the times get desperate. By now, I must tell you this blog does not eulogize the concept of eternal love. I have been there and done that (unfortunately limiting ourselves to kisses and hugs!). It underlines the ground reality of middle age crisis which demands a physical catharsis. It’s an honest rant from a desperate guy.

It’s about the void that your body feels when you have to play with yourself. Not day after day, but year after year. I simply don’t have the time or appetite for emotional connect. Moreover, with the 30s becoming new 20s, I can get ample time for filling that gap. But the 20s and its older siblings will not let me rest at peace while I am single.

For me there are three forces that work in tandem, and against my (lustful) wishes. First, having been once bitten, I am twice shy. I don’t want to fall in the pit of commitment any more. One simply does not pull out of it on the strength of promises. Second, I don’t want to betray anyone. These two ingredients brewed with my desperation, serve a perfect perplexity. Speaking in programming terms, if I is equal to commit then get laid else regret. I would have loved some girl who had evolved to my consciousness where sex is just a need as much as food. But rather they see it as ‘Prasad’. Blessed be the soul that enters the realm of commitment. So either I lie about love, or I lie engaged in DIY. But I don’t blame the girls (as if they mind me blaming), for here comes the third force- Indian society. It cultivates in us values and ethics that mortify sex, especially with women involved. And no, that doesn't mean you can get lucky with men either, not that I would like to.

It just means that sex is perceived as subjugation of women. Men having multiple affairs are virile, while as women having multiple affairs are promiscuous. Good for one gender, bad for another! Women have to abstain from this heinous crime. Seems sex would not have been such a hushed up matter had women not been involved in the act. Why such discrimination? Bad luck for honest fellows like us. If sex was weighed on equal scale, instead of degrading women involved, might be we would have been luckier. Cos then the other gender would not have been afraid of any sexual guilt.

The very concept of having sex is biased in India. If you know the Hindi slang, it’s always a guy fucks a girl, for the literal meaning of it. Of course many a times the prettier gender takes the honour in metaphorical world. Why never the other way around in real world! I would have definitely loved to hear a girl say me, “I wanna fuck you.” (wonder how it might sound in Hindi). I mean it’s a mutual act. We fuck each other, on literal terms. That’s where English has an edge- they say ‘make love’. Very dignifying either ways!

Going deeper into the problem, or whatever you would like to call it, this bias has reinforced itself slowly due our family structure. Sex is a matter never to be discussed on the dinning table. Channels are shuffled during kissing scenes. The person with the remote, the onus on him, prays earnestly for the couple to stop. Now in such a tight lipped situation, boys in the house generally get greater freedom. They can go out at odd times, have night outs, and enjoy. While for girls, their maximum time is spent at home. Boys can share sexual matters with friends, watch porn, or if lucky, get laid. Girls on the other hand are bound to the domestic structure for most part of their life. Boys can share ‘the great sex’ story with friends in hostel room, at smoke kiosk, or even on the bike. When and with whom will the girls share it? Parents- NO! Her best friend living in the sacred boundary of her house- no. No one knows their story, and no one wants to be the first to share it. Once the abridged chapter on sex in their school is closed, it’s closed for life.

Now if you say times are changing, girls are getting equal opportunities, I would totally agree with you. Times are changing, girls are getting equal opportunities and so are the most undeserving of my acquaintances. Getting laid, every single one of them. Certainly times are changing. But never for blokes like me, the fortune of whose runs dry like the maddening sand in Thar.   

And, focusing on my scope of problem instead of digressing to a macroscopic level. With so much time invested on futile pursuits, I believe when God decreed sex as a forbidden fruit, He definitely had me in mind. Desire gave way to desperation when those lucky fellows finally had their call. Now, I am the only one carrying the stonel of my virginity. That would be a virtue for a female counterpart, but for a male, it’s utterly frustrating at societal, as well as individual level. Whenever I ask my female friends about that burning desire, I always get a negative response. They never have the urge, or when they have it they divert their mind, and so on. Referring to the quote on the top, it seems women have been blessed with high blood supply.

Last night totally frustrated, dejected, or perhaps enlightened, I decided to put an end to the pursuit of this mirage of happiness. Hope of the future poisons the present. To get the load off my mind was much more important than to get it off the other part. The prettier gender had to be wrapped and buried in the abyss of my mind, heart and of course those body organs. No more chats, no more fantasies, no more prayers. I had to be a horse with blinders, running straight for my career goals.

Feeling relieved and light on my shoulders, I went to bed. And just before closing my eyes, I tapped the Facebook app on my phone, out of habit. And there it was, photo of a beautiful girl, a girl I had known only on Facebook. A girl who would sometimes talk to me, with God-knows-what-intentions. She always says she has a boyfriend, but deep down (or low down) I believe it is a decoy. A decoy to unearth my intentions. It had come upon me to forge an alliance without a commitment. My blood began to run, and again, it failed to make way to my brain.